A wise man once said, “Everything I needed to know, I learned in kindergarten.” Or something like that. I’d give you the direct quote if I could figure out the Google.

Everything I needed to know in life, I learned on the kindergarten playground.

And as the events of the past week have unfolded, those lessons sure would have come in handy if I would have chosen a career in politics instead of this ivory-tower gig.

On the playground, for example, I learned that sticks and stones can break your bones, but names will never hurt you.

That is, unless you are about to vote for a $700 billion bailout package for Wall Street and Nancy Pelosi gets in your grill and starts pointing fingers and blaming

El Presidente. If that weren’t enough, she then had to add that Republican economic policies “were built on budget recklessness.”

Ouch, that hurts. And that’s coming from a guy who got smacked with a branch of knotty pine once.

Some people say I’m just being too sensitive. Just words? I’m not the only one who thinks so.

House Minority Leader John Boehner said Pelosi’s comments poisoned the Republican caucus.

On its face, having the caucus poisoned might not sound like such a bad thing. I got a caucus as a Christmas gift once, and I never knew when to water the darn thing. I felt guilty when

I didn’t water it, but felt guilty when I did water it because, well, it’s a caucus and it’s not supposed to need much water.

Getting back to the bailout, which has been in all the news lately, it was good to hear Republicans properly assigning blame where it was due. Pelosi sure had some nerve, telling Republicans that their economic chickens had come home to roost. The only thing worse than being reminded about chickens coming home to roost is being reminded that you’re the one who built the chicken coop. And got the chickens. And bought the rooster. And hired the fox as a security guard.

Boehner was so personally offended by Pelosi’s comments that he vowed to draw a mustache on her official portrait that’s hanging in the halls of Congress, once people leave town later this week and the prospects for getting busted are diminished somewhat. He also said the bailout bill was fatally flawed because it would get in the way of Republicans feeling good about themselves, which is a national security issue.

Which reminds me of another lesson I learned on the playground, while playing tag. If you’re not for us, you’re against us.

Another thing I learned in kindergarten: Just because you believe something to be true, doesn’t really make it so.

I learned this one day while offering advice to my kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Bush (no relation, but she did hit me with a book once from the school library. It was capital punishment because the book was about all 50 states and their capitals. Did getting hit with the book hurt? Juneau it did.). When I was told to not cut in line for the slide, I told Mrs. Bush that she should “relax” because she was “on my time.”

Surprisingly, I learned that day that kindergarten teachers have a tough time relaxing, and through some problem that probably originated at the school board level, Mrs. Bush did not fully understand the inherent rights and privileges that the word “recess” bestows.

Perhaps the most valuable lesson I learned on the kindergarten playground was how to deal with bullies. The best way was to slip a small piece of caucus into their pocket before they got their coat out of the coat room, and then ask them if they want to have a pocket lint contest. Never failed.

Next time: That old saw.