It’s not been a good week for me. I’ve discovered I’ve got all sorts of health problems that I never knew I had before.

First, I learned that I have mental health issues.

That may not be surprising to a lot of people. And it certainly wasn’t a shock to Phil Gramm. In widely quoted remarks, Gramm said anybody who is worried the economy is bad is suffering from a mental recession.

He described my conditions exactly. The more I thought about it, the more I came to agree that I have a mental recession. And

I can’t remember feeling this bad since the mid-1970s, when I came down with a serious infliction of disco fever.

I have to stay positive. I don’t want my mental recession to become a mental depression. It’s a major worry, because if my head gets too depressed, especially around the forehead area, none of my hats will fit anymore and I may have to part my hair differently.

There is an upside to having a mental recession, though. When the good folks from VISA called to ask where this month’s payment was, I told them I had thought about sending a check, so mentally, they had already been paid.

They started to argue, and you know what? Gramm was right: We are a nation of whiners.

People need to realize that our economy is the envy of the world, and as sure-footed as Miss America making her way down the runway in a bedazzling, bejeweled evening gown.

I’ve also come to find out that not only do I have a mental recession, I’m under-stimulated, too.

I heard last week that most of the government’s “stimulus” checks have gone out, but I still haven’t got mine in the mail yet.

I can’t wait to get that stimulus check and put a little tingle in my pocket.

The last time I felt a tingle in my pocket, it was because I left my jeans on the floor one night and a spider crawled into them before

I put them back on the next day.

I’m not the only one with bad health, though. I heard Fannie Mae and Bernie Mac aren’t doing so good lately, and there may be a government bailout in the works.

I hope it’s not a mental health issue. I’d hate to see Fannie Mae or Bernie Mac end up like Dave Chappelle.

Thankfully, when times get tight financially, I’ve got someone to turn to: Johnny Dollar.

Johnny Dollar has been a friend of mine since childhood, and he came over for a visit a few weekends ago.

Johnny Dollar isn’t his real name, that’s just what we have been calling him since he discovered the existence of Dollar Stores. Now, every time he comes over from the mainland, he brings a big bag of stuff he’s gotten at the local Dollar Store.

Over the past two visits, Johnny Dollar has filled a half-dozen grocery bags with gallon-sized bottles of shampoo, hair conditioner, green scrubby pads, toilet bowl cleanser, chewing gum, beef jerky and jugs of some strange substance that is supposed to remove oil stains from the driveway.

Apparently, during tough economic times, a person can never have enough cleaning products, bath-related items or things to chew on until the good times return. No need to live in squalor or let the jaw muscles atrophy when times are tight, I suppose.

Unfortunately, many of the products have labels written in a foreign language.

But at a dollar a bottle, Johnny Dollar says, who can complain?

After weeks of interrogation — “Have you tried the shampoo? Have you tried the shampoo?”

— I decided to humor Johnny Dollar and use some of his extreme value products.

The shampoo turned my hair green, and when that happens, well, don’t it make your brown eyes blue?

“Did the shampoo smell like the essence of roses?” Johnny Dollar asked. “It did? That was the driveway cleaner. Next time use the bottle that smells that chlorine. Your hair will be baby soft. That’s the Johnny Dollar guarantee.”

Next time: News you can use.