Over the years, I’ve learned dirty words in several languages. I don’t mean to imply that I speak several languages, because I don’t, but for reasons that aren’t important, I have been taught to swear in Italian, Spanish, German, Czech, Russian and a strange sort of underground Yiddish. Most of the words I thankfully couldn’t say correctly now if I wanted to, thanks to non-usage.

There are two dirty words, however, that I dread hearing no matter what the language is. They not only upset me mightily, but fill me with fear and anxiety. I’ve been hearing, as well as reading the two words almost daily this past week or so, and it’s time I face the music and deal with the situation.

Spring cleaning!

There, I’ve put them in print, black and white, two dirty words that suddenly come into frequent use every year about mid-March. I’d rather hear @#&%%$, or @$#%, or even %$@# &*%, than have someone turn to me and say, with a smug smile, “Have you started your spring cleaning yet?”

No! I haven’t started my #%%@ing spring cleaning yet, because I’m not quite sure I know what it is I’m supposed to do.

My grandmother and mother always took up the rugs, hung them over the clothesline to air and hit them with brooms. That’s when I knew it was the dreaded spring cleaning time.

Well, all of my carpeting is securely nailed in place and all I can do is use that invention of the Devil, a vacuum cleaner, to torment it into some semblance of cleanliness.

Both of them also washed all the windows, inside and out, scrubbed all the wood floors until they were virtually bare wood, then waxed them until they shone. They hung “winter clothes” out to air or hand-washed them, then took them into the depths of some closet to nest with moth balls until fall. They were replaced by “summer clothes,” which also required a certain amount of airing and/or washing and ironing before wearing.

But that was then, and now, well, things just aren’t the same, and I’m no longer sure anymore exactly what spring cleaning is.

I vacuum on a more or less regular basis (or as my friend, Lois, says, “I Hoover all the time”), and I dust when I can write a swear word on the table top. Bathrooms are cleaned frequently and my favorite room, the kitchen, is always impeccable. So what, exactly, am I supposed to do? These days, over and above that, in order to qualify for answering “Yes, in fact, I’m finished with my spring cleaning, thank you.”

Should I do something about all the overstuffed closets, perhaps? Clear out some of the boxes piled ceiling-high in the garage, some of which have not been opened since we put them there when we moved in? Is that what spring cleaning means? Wash windows inside and out? Some of ours are very high and neither John nor I are doing ladders these days.

Should I rent a carpet shampooer and see if I can figure out how to make it do the entire house, especially the stairs? Take everything out of the cupboards and rearrange it? (I might find the meat grinder that’s been missing for two years.) Chase the dust bunnies from under all the beds? Polish the silver; wash walls (frankly, I’d rather paint them); scrape and paint the front stairs; move all the kitchen appliances out and clean under and behind them?

I honestly don’t know where to begin, and it seems to me I could use some outside help. I hereby invite any of our readers who care to enlighten me to e-mail me at the address below and tell me exactly what they think spring cleaning is, and based on that input, I may or may not decide to participate.

I will, however, pass along any advice I get, provided it’s printable.

Meanwhile, I’m swearing off swearing in any language, and you’ll not hear those two dirty words come from my mouth again unless I am, after all, out in that garage tackling those boxes, in which case you might well hear, loud and clear, ##@% &*$# SPRING CLEANING!!!

RECIPES

I may hate spring cleaning, but I always look forward to spring eating. It doesn’t matter that we have some way to go before truly warm weather brings fresh-from-the-garden ingredients, late March just feels like eating lighter and easier.

Truth is, I’m tired of winter’s heavier “comfort food,” and am looking forward to spring’s light touch, such as this easy meal-in-itself salad.

MEXICAN CHEF’S SALAD

1 lb. lean ground beef

1 can (15 oz.) kidney beans, drained

½ t. seasoned salt

1 t. chili powder, or to taste (I use arbol powder and a bit more, but we like it spicy)

1 red onion, sliced into rings

1 green pepper, cut into strips

4 tomatoes, cut into chunks

1 head iceberg lettuce, shredded or torn into pieces

8 oz. Cheddar cheese, grated

2 avocados, peeled and sliced

4 stalks celery, sliced crosswise

1 bottle (8 oz.) French dressing

½ t. Tabasco, or to taste

1 pkg. taco flavored tortilla chips, coarsely crushed

In a skillet, brown the ground beef. Drain off excess fat; add the kidney beans, chili powder and salt. Simmer 10-15 min.

In a large bowl, toss all remaining ingredients except tortilla chips, tossing all with the dressing until well mixed. Add the tortilla chips, tossing in gently, then add the hot meat mixture on top and serve immediately, with additional grated cheese available for garnish if desired. Serves 6-8.

Soup is always a favorite meal, winter or spring, but as more fresh greens become available, this beans and greens soup is perfect for a light spring supper. It’s a vegetarian bowl of nutrition that needs only a salad and/or baguette accompaniment.

BEANS AND GREENS SOUP

1 can (15 oz.) cannellini beans (or cook dried beans yourself to use in the soup, if you prefer)

1 T. olive oil

2 onions, finely chopped

4 cloves garlic, finely chopped

1 stalk celery, finely chopped

2 carrots, halved and thinly sliced

4 cups water (more or less, depending upon desired consistency of soup)

1/4 t. dried thyme (or 1/2 t. fresh chopped thyme)

1/4 t. dried marjoram

1 bay leaf

4-5 oz. fresh leafy greens, such as Swiss chard, spinach, kale, mustard greens, etc.

Salt and freshly ground black pepper, to taste

In a large saucepan, heat the oil over med. heat. Add the onion and cook, covered, 3-4 min., stirring occasionally, until just softened. Add the garlic, celery and carrots and continue cooking for 2 min.

Add water, beans, thyme, marjoram and bay leaf. When the mixture comes to a simmer, cover and simmer gently, stirring occasionally for about 30-45 min., or until all vegetables are tender. Season with salt and pepper.

Allow the soup to cool slightly, remove the bay leaf, then transfer 2 cups to a food processor or blender and process until smooth. Return mixture to the soup.

Cut thicker greens (such as kale, chard) crosswise into ribbons; keeping thinner greens such as spinach/mustard separate. Add the thicker greens to the soup first, cooking gently for 5-10 min., then add any other greens and continue cooking for 5-8 min., or until all greens are tender (don’t overcook). Ladle soup into warm bowl and serve. Serves 4.

One of the first spring delights is rhubarb, fresh from the garden. It’s not quite ready to pluck yet, but it won’t be long, then we’ll enjoy our favorite rhubarb dessert, a crisp.

RHUBARB STRAWBERRY CRISP

For the Topping: 1/2 cup old fashioned oats

1/2 cup flour

1/2 cup, packed, light brown sugar

1/3 cup sliced almonds

1/4 t. ground nutmeg

Generous pinch of salt

6 T. chilled unsalted butter, cut into small cubes

For the Filling: 5 cups thickly sliced fresh rhubarb

2 cups halved strawberries

3/4 cup sugar

1/3 cup orange juice

2 T. flour

1 1/2 t. finely grated orange peel

1/2 t. (or a bit less) ground cardamom (optional if you don’t like its flavor)

1/4 t. ground nutmeg

Whipped cream or ice cream, for topping (optional)

To make the topping: Mix all ingredients except butter in a bowl; add butter and rub in with fingertips until moist clumps form.

Butter a 2 qt. baking dish. In a large bowl, mix together all filling ingredients except whipped cream, stirring to blend. Let stand until juices form, about 15 min. Put rhubarb mixture into baking dish, sprinkle topping evenly over rhubarb and bake in a preheated 375-degree oven about 45 min., or until top is golden brown and crisp and filling is bubbling thickly around edges. Serve warm with sweetened whipped cream or favorite ice cream. Serves 6.