Bill, Bill, Bill — what were you thinking?
That was my initial reaction when I read that you were in discussions with CBS about hosting a syndicated talk show.
Granted, it’s not as tacky and sleazy as your tete-a-tete with that not-so-innocent intern in a blue Gap dress, but do you really want to make history by being our nation’s first commander-in-chief to become a real life Teletubby?
Bill, Bill, Bill.
Not only that, you’re commanding a salary even more whacked out than major league baseball players. With $30 million being batted about as your possible yearly income, that’s eight million ahead of Alex Rodriguez and waaaaay beyond poor little Roger Clemens, who hauls in just over $10 million a year for hurling a little white ball across a plate.
What in the world do you need all that money for, Bill? With your estimated $15 million a year stipend from the lecture circuit and a reported $10 million for your not-yet-published post-presidential memoirs, you can’t be hurtin’ all that much. Time to trim that Happy Meal budget, Mr. prez — along with your waistline.
Bill, the real clincher for me was when I caught wind that you wanted to have a house band — a la Leno and Letterman. Now, nothing’s better than having backup bands led by such fine folks as Kevin Eubanks and Paul Shaffer — but who are you gonna call? Fleetwood Mac? Roger Clinton? Al Gore?
Although the former veep isn’t much of a musicmeister, he has been known to cut a pretty mean rug. Who can forget Al and Tipper trippin’ the stage fantastic during those glory days? Plus, I hear Al has a fondness for karaoke, and I know that as a sax player you just wanna have fun. What a winning ticket!
Bill, trust me, you ain’t that good on the tenor. In fact, you suck. And if you want to maintain any sense of credibility as a talk show host, please don’t don boxers and Ray Bans to perform a wimpy version of “I Did It My Way.” Best to run clips of Old Blue Eyes doin’ what he does best and you stick to bein’ the Slick Willie talker that you are.
I know you’re not gonna listen to some 51-year-old columnist with poor circulation (hey, it’s not that bad, The Record’s hovering right around 5,500). And I figure that once you’ve made up your mind, that’s it.
So if you’re gonna go through with your harebrained idea, here are some suggestions.
The Billy O’Donnell Show: Now that Rosie’s cut her hair and settled into being a full-time mom, the afternoons are pretty lackluster. Until now. Billy can schmooze with Cruise, gush over Barbra and play along on his sax as the Rockettes flash their gams. No hard-hitting interviews here, just fun guests and an aging New York audience.
The Billy O’Winfrey Show: Oprah, watch out! Billy’s movin’ his show to Chicago lock, stock and smoking barrel. Once a year, he’ll take his show to a place called Hope. Meet Billy’s schoolteachers! Billy’s Babysitters! Billy’s Music instructors! And since Dr. Phil already has his own weekly talk show, Billy will enlist the help of sex counselor Dr. Ruth every Tuesday — to help him.
The Billy O’Leno Show: Billy loves Hollywood, it’s his kind of town. And ever since he was a kid, he wanted to sit behind the famous Tonight Show desk. This is the perfect venue for him, and at last he’ll be out of the hot seat and in the interviewer’s chair. Can’t you just see Billy asking Hugh Grant, “What were you thinking?” Hillary will be his sidekick, and LA types will lap it up.
The Billy O’Stewart Show: Now that Martha is in the slammer, Billy can do what he loves best — eat! Instead of cooking segments, we can watch Billy inhale his favorite foods in front of a live audience. Decorating segments will include a visit to Martha’s cell at the newly refurbished Alcatraz in San Francisco and a re-do of George Dubya’s beloved Texas ranch. Hint: Billy likes to use a lot of cactus.
Billy O’Letterman Show: Our Former Man in the White House has been yearning to do his own Top 10 List all these years, and now he’s got it. Billy’s suggested Top 10 Lists include “The Top 10 Reasons Why I Did Not Inhale,” “The Top 10 Reasons Why I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Woman” and “The Top 10 Definitions Of The Word ‘IS.’ “
Is that perfectly clear?
Sue Frause can be reached by e-mail at skfrause@whidbey.com.
