Remember the phrase, “Don’t shoot ’til you see the whites of their eyes?”

It was a military order issued by Gen. Israel Putnam at Bunker Hill a couple hundred years ago.

Today that oft-repeated command has been replaced by paparazzi screaming, “Don’t shoot ’til you see the whites of their teeth!”

Yup, celebrities sporting pearly whites are all the rage, and Hollywood has once again started another fashion/body trend. This one is known as WTP, or the White Teeth Phenomenon. When will it ever end?

As somebody who visits the dentist on a regular basis, I have never been overly concerned about my not totally white teeth. I mean, like, they’re not totally yellow, OK? But, like, they’re not totally white, either, OK?

I practice good dental hygiene on a regular basis: brushing at least twice a day and flossing vigorously and religiously at least one week before an exam. But several months ago, I started caving into the White Teeth Phenomenon. That’s when I purchased a Sonicare toothbrush, one of those fancy-dancy toothbrushes that has bristles capable of going three times faster than my old Oral B hand-held model.

Of course I purchased it specifically for non-cosmetic reasons. My sole motive was to get rid of all that unwanted plaque along with latte and red wine stains. I mean, like, who wants gingivitis, OK?

Well, I admit to purchasing a few other products that were part of a special Sonicare package; products that had more to do with whitening my teeth than maintaining their healthy status. There was Johnson & Johnson’s Reach Whitening Floss; a tube of Supersmile Whitening Toothpaste; a bottle of Rembrandt Plus Peroxide Whitening Rinse; and a box of Crest Whitestrips. I mean, like, if you’re gonna have a spiffy new toothbrush, like, don’t you need all the accessories?

All of the above mentioned products are for use in the home. But if you really want to get teeth that are whiter than Liberace’s piano keys, your choices are out there. In the October issue of Seattle magazine, I counted one full-page and five quarter-page ads for dentists and dental clinics. And they aren’t selling root canals — it’s all about aesthetics and lookin’ good.

Any dentist worth his laughing gas is offering some form of teeth whitening. According to the Academy of General Dentistry, teeth whitening is a $600 million industry that is growing 15 to 20 percent a year. And fueling the frenzy are image-conscious teens who head to the mall to pick up instant do-it-yourself-teeth whitening kits. Like, they wanna shine like Britney, OK?

What’s it gonna cost to have celebrity choppers? Teeth whitening in a dentist’s office can range anywhere from $550 for in-the-chair bleaching to $1,200 for a super-duper 30-minute laser whitening system that will have people thinking you stole your pearlies off Julia Roberts. Horselaugh not included.

So how is my casual teeth whitening program coming along? Well, I haven’t opened the Reach Whitening Floss; for some strange reason, my other floss boxes never seem to run out. But I did take a swig of the Rembrandt Plus Peroxide Whitening Rinse. Yuk! After swishing it in my mouth for about five seconds I spit it out. Did I pick up a bottle of Tidy Bowl by mistake? Maybe it’s better served on the rocks — or at least with a twist of lemon.

Same goes with the Supersmile Whitening Toothpaste; it tasted really goofy. And those Crest Whitestrips being promoted by Canadian Gold Medalist supersmilers and superskaters Jamie Sale and David Pelletier? They’re still in the box. The directions were simple enough (“Peel It-Apply It-Reveal It!”). And it only takes 30 minutes, twice a day. But it’s tough teaching old toothbrushers new tricks.

And then there’s that maintenance problem. You can’t have your teeth professionally whitened just once; you return time and again to keep those whites their whitest. And forget sucking up that morning latte the usual way; all caffeine must be sipped through a straw so as not to stain those glow-in-the-dark teeth (a dead giveaway that somebody’s had his or her teeth whitened). What next, a glass of merlot served in a Tommy Tippee wine glass?

I agree that there’s nothing nicer than being dazzled by somebody’s smile. And that doesn’t usually include yellow teeth. I mean, like, wouldn’t it be cool to have, like, totally white teeth; and, like, wouldn’t it be awesome if people asked you if you were born that way? Like, wouldn’t that be the best?

Nah. I sorta like my teeth the way they are. Like, they’re sorta white but not really. Like, they’re not totally yellow, but somewhere in between. Like, isn’t it about putting your best foot forward and not your whitest teeth? Like, does anybody really wanna be like Hollywood?

Really?

Sue Frause can be reached by e-mail at

skfrause@whidbey.com.