Reading last week’s Los Angeles Times headline that “Larger thighs may mean longer life,” I was a bit upset.

With legs the shape of javelins, what’s a slender dude to do?

Which got me to thinking about my family genes and our family in jeans.

Dad never wore them.

Mom never wore them.

I was not allowed to wear them.

So much for being a cowboy.

Why bother learning how to yodel?

Apparently, larger thighs may protect against heart disease and premature death.

It’s that postmature death I want.

Of course, I’m still trying to get over Victor Mature’s death.

After killing all those lions in “Demetrius and the Gladiators,” how could Victor Mature ever die?

The recent thigh study posted on the Web site www.BMJ.com by the British Medical Journal suggests that men and women

whose thighs are less than 23.6 inches have a higher risk of premature death and heart disease compared with those with thighs exceeding 23.6 inches.

Sorry Dad, but excuse me while I drop my jeans.

How do I wrap a yardstick around my thigh?

Oh yes, I can use dental floss and then measure the floss against the yardstick.

Better use waxed in case I draw the floss too tight.

Here we go!

Drum roll please.

Little Jimmy comes in with a screaming … whoops, the floss broke.

Let’s try a phone cord for measuring.

That does it.

Perfect.

My right thigh is 18 inches around no matter where I start.

My left thigh is 19 inches around.

Must have been that broken femur I was awarded after hitting a mountain hemlock that wouldn’t get out of the way of my left leg one winter on Mount Bachelor.

So, together my thighs measure 37 inches, a 13.4-inch excess over the 23.6 inch recommended British one-thigh circumference.

I always thought the British measured in pounds.

Wonder what my thighs actually weigh.

According to the study, having thighs that are even bigger than 23.6 inches offers no added benefit.

Tell that to an offensive lineman.

Of course, the study only measured right thighs.

The measurement was taken as high up the leg as possible.

Hopefully, the researchers were not ticklish.

Copenhagen University Hospital examined almost 3,000 people over a 12-year period. After controlling factors such as body fat, smoking and cholesterol levels, the Danes deemed a significant relationship between thigh size, heart disease and early death.

A logician might suggest that large thighs indicate a higher fat content which would be detrimental and detriphysical for one’s cardiovascular health.

The study concluded that small thighs might mean that there is too little muscle mass in the region.

Maybe I should have measured my thighs when I was in Marine Corps boot camp after a 13-mile forced march in full pack and battle array.

I bet I was pushing an offensive lineman’s neck size in my trained killer days.

Ooorah!

I think I’ll put on some Sousa records and march around the caboose.

Longevity, here we come!

Jim lives in a 1928 Milwaukee Road caboose and can be reached at fun@whidbey.com.