It is time again to invest with regal dignity and power the one true king of the South End.
Yes, that’s right, the crown is at this moment being yanked from atop the pate of last year’s king in wild anticipation of the resplendent pomp of the fourth annual Mr. South Whidbey Pageant.
The big “beauty contest” is 7 p.m. Saturday, Oct. 3 at Freeland Hall. Six voraciously virile and hauntingly handsome gentlemen will compete for the title during an evening that promises the usual high-fevered pitch of hysterics and shenanigans that is certainly characteristic of pageants past.
But, hysteria aside, contestants and crowd alike gather each year to support this local event, which provides crucial resources for the Friends of Friends Medical Support Fund.
Tom Harris, Dan Lennon, Dick Guise, Norm Walker, Scott Mauk and Rob Mattern will all be showing their best colors to win votes and discover fame, while emcee-about-town Sue Frause hosts the whole shebang.
See candidates squirm in costume and attempt a show of talent, while the man-eating crowd baits them with promises of power, respectability and money. Well, maybe just money.
Harris, a Langley resident, looks to the future — without looking at his behind.
“Let’s face it, moving forward in the 22nd century is all about looking ahead and staying ahead while looking behind, but not staying behind. And that is the trick if you think about it,” Harris said.
“So many of us on South Whidbey — I hesitate to say it but — so many of us are looking behind while moving ahead. We need leadership to help carry the baggage of the past forward without inducing a double hernia, allowing the people to look ahead and know that their collective backside is covered. So in conclusion, I can say that I will stand behind each and every one of you. Please dress appropriately.”
Clinton resident Lennon said winning the title is more a matter of low self-esteem and geography, as he sees it.
“I feel I am the clear choice for Mr. South Whidbey, as
I bring so little to the table and am somehow still emboldened to go ahead and step forward,” Lennon explained.
“To win this, I will likely need to resort to lies, misinformation or devious methods. Naturally the left-wing media will try to fabricate stories of my incompetence. My lack of critical experience may seem to be a problem, but I can see Scatchet Head from my kitchen window. Furthermore, by virtue of my being able to see Scatchet Head from my kitchen window, I am the most southern candidate and therefore the most qualified to serve as Mr. SOUTH Whidbey. Please send your pledge donations to Friends of Friends with a vote for me, and you will be supporting a wonderful organization in my quest for the title. You betcha!”
Guise, of Langley, born an ugly child in dire straits, appealed to voters’ compassion.
“When I was born in Maryland — decades ago — I was very young,” Guise said. “I was very ugly and realized that I could never make it in life on my looks. The schools I attended were so tough that our school newspaper had an obituary section. My family were dirt farmers and the bottom fell out of the dirt market. Then my life changed! I read about a pageant on a remote island in the Pacific Northwest and I knew I had to win that pageant to fulfill my life’s ambition. You can help bring happiness to an ugly old man and fulfill his life’s dream. A gift to Mr. South Whidbey in my name will mean not only helping Friends of Friends for our neighbors in need, but it will help bring sunshine into my life.”
Walker, a class act from Freeland, is a no-nonsense kind of gentleman. He got right to the point.
“It is no wonder that Friends of Friends nominated me for Mr. South Whidbey, as I am the most handsome and talented 80-year-young man in the area,” Walker said.
“I moved away from my huge fan club in the greater Seattle area because of all the autograph seekers and TV cameras. Today, I am ready to become ‘famous’ again by accepting the exalted crown of this glorious event. But seriously, after living on south Whidbey Island for over 36 years, I feel I would like to give back to my community, and especially the Friends of Friends Medical Support Fund for those in need.
I believe this is a very worthy cause, and is needed more than ever in this economical climate. I am now committed and will continue to take an active part to help raise funds for Friends of Friends. I am hoping that I will raise enough money in the next few weeks to be crowned Mr. South Whidbey.”
The other candidates felt themselves disgraced next to Walker’s eloquent and straightforward talk.
Mauk, however, saved them.
“I am honored to be nominated for Mr. South Whidbey 2009,” said Mauk, a Freeland resident.
“I know the long line of hunk-like, ubër-talented and well-groomed men who have come before me, and am humbled to be in such company. I am the most fitting candidate this year, and would like your vote (your money, in my name, to FoF — checks, cash, IOUs).
“Among other excellent traits befitting Mr. South Whidbey (ever-changing hair and facial hair length, driving a truck held together by rust and bumper stickers, and growing a mean bulb of garlic), I personify all that is South Whidbey: I drive at or below the speed limit on Highway 525 (except when I am late for a ferry); I know every checker at PayLess and the little Star Store; I am routinely invited to Jean Shaw’s parties and ungracefully don’t show; and I carry my passport when I go to Oak Harbor. Good, generous people of South Whidbey, Friends of Friends provides an enormous boost to our friends and neighbors in their time of great need, so vote early and often by donating money in my name as Mr. South Whidbey,” Mauk said. Finally.
Last but not least, music man Mattern, also of Freeland, had something important to say while revealing his drag-o-phobia.
“Supporting Friends of Friends Medical Support Fund fills a void today by ensuring medical coverage for our South Whidbey neighbors who cannot otherwise pay for needed services,” Mattern said. “Through our strong support of FoF locally, and national healthcare for all, we can truly look toward a higher quality of life. It is for these reasons that I’ve accepted an invitation to enter the 2009 Mr. South Whidbey pageant. That, and I was told there would be no evening gown competition. I’ll see you Oct. 3. Bring an open checkbook, an open heart and enjoy the good times.”
The competition rules are simple: The candidate who raises the most money for Friends of Friends at or before the event wins.
Bring plenty of cash or checks (no credit cards), and plan to buy votes and stuff the ballot boxes of your favorite candidate. This year, you can also buy votes online by clicking here.
You can also buy votes by mail by sending a check to Friends of Friends Medical Support Fund, PO Box 812, Langley, WA 98260. Make sure to designate for which candidate you are voting.
Tickets for the event are $25 and include light fare from Fireseed Catering. Get tickets at Moonraker Books in Langley and 1504 Coffee Bar in Freeland. Freeland Hall is at 1515 Shoreview Drive.
Friends of Friends is a nonprofit medical safety net, offering financial help to South Whidbey residents with uncovered health-related expenses. FoF helps with doctor visits, lab work, screening exams, hospital payments, medications and ferry fares to treatments and other approved medical treatments. Anyone needing help can call 221-4535 for info.
