We heard a couple of good jokes on the Midway yesterday at the Island County Fair.

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says: “You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building – by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.”

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second Man says: “What, are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen.”

So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors…and hits the sidewalk with a splat.

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker: “You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk.”

Your laughter here, before proceeding.

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQ database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “OK, why not?”

You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government,” says the cowboy.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about cows…this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”

Yawn here before proceeding with a lawn tonic recipe for a greener lawn.

The following “lawn tonic” idea has been written about in books and used in Colorado recently with their drought issues. According to our sources, “When you don’t have a lot of water — and we’re on watering restrictions — this is another way to get the nutrients to your lawn and keep it growing.”

The secret formula is actually just a mix of common household ingredients. All mixed into a 10-gallon hose-end sprayer. Each ingredient does something different, it feeds the lawn, penetrates the roots and promotes growth, and even kills bugs and grubs.

Recipe:

One can of soda – not diet

One can of beer – not light

1/2 cup liquid dish washing soap (don’t use anti-bacterial soap!)

1/2 cup mouthwash

1/2 cup household ammonia

Mix in a 10-gallon hose end sprayer. Apply every three weeks. Mow lawn in evening then make application.

NOTE: A ten-gallon hose end sprayer does not contain 10 gallons of liquid. It is a sprayer with a reservoir that attaches to your garden hose, and when the reservoir is full, mixes evenly with 10 gallons of water that flows through the hose.

Let me know how green your grass is getting.

We hope to see you on the Midway. Stop by and share your favorite joke.