It sure was nice to see Island County Sheriff Mike Hawley’s smiling face on the front page of last Wednesday’s South Whidbey Record.

Not that we don’t enjoy seeing the postage stamp-size smiling faces of Langley’s Mayor Neil Colburn and former deputy Sheriff Jay Wallace, but twice a week for over a month is a bit much.

Let’s have some variety around here.

Let’s blaze some trails.

Let’s give out some new awards.

For once, let’s raise consciousness instead of money.

So, in honor of Sheriff Hawley’s 10-year-plus service to our local confusion, get ready for the First and Last Annual South Whidbey Parking Lot Awards.

Years ago when I asked Commissioner Mike Shelton the procedure to have Peter Lawlor named the official Poet Laureate of Whidbey Island, he responded in typical Mike fashion: “Gee Jim, this is one we have not confronted. Why don’t you come up with a procedure and we’ll look into it.”

And with that, I was on the phone to tell Peter that he was the Poet Laureate of Whidbey Island. Another example of democracy in action.

So, let’s get on with it.

The First and Last Annual South Whidbey Parking Lot Awards are given to those public access areas that surprise us local drivers with the constant community challenges of safe parking acquisition.

Congratulations. Today, to be the best is to be the worst.

To win is to lose.

To lose is to win.

Toulouse Lautrec, what the heck!

The following winners were selected by an improvisational panel of local drivers, including those with the capabilities of faking left and turning right, slowing down but not stopping, and not using turn signals except while shopping indoors amidst the aisles of Pay-Less Food Store.

Note that we still honor the Pay-Less abandoned hyphen.

Best Parking Lot To Receive A Note on Your Windshield: The Biggest Parking Lot in Freeland serving, from left to right as you face Holmes Harbor, Ace, Whidbey’s Coffee, Lind’s, Island Fabrics, Freeland Flower and Pay-Less.

Best Parking Lot to Receive an Automobile Contusion: Tie between Freeland Library and Freeland Post Office. Don’t you love it when the tourists turn left into the one-way exit of the Freeland Post Office?

Can you believe we are allowed to turn left when we exit?

Best Slowest Parking Parking Lot: Tie between Lind’s in Langley and Star Store in Langley. The joy of parking in these two locations is that it reminds us of a ride at Disneyland. The ride goes slower than the line of customers trying to get on it.

Best Parking Lot for Parking When You Are Not Really There: Trinity Lutheran Church rocks with available free parking. As Trinity has grown over the years, so has their parking space. This is not only a tribute to the offerings collected but it is a demonstration and daily reminder of the abundance of God’s universe.

Best Parking Lot for Worst Teenage Driving: Hands up, The Casey’s Red Apple Parking Lot feeding Exxon, Frank’s Sebo’s hardware store, Neil’s, Copy This/Mail That and Island Arts and Crafts. Wave a white flag when you drive through this lot, particularly on Friday’s when fellow jarhead Tommy the Greek serves up those delicious gyros and Philly cheese-steak sandwiches from his landmark trailer parked in front of Red Apple.

Like any good Marine, Tommy brings his trailer in during the dark of night.

Just to be safe.

We’re almost out of space, so let’s finish up. I don’t want to lose five stanzas of Bob Dylan like I did last week.

Speaking of edits, a belated Happy Boss’s Day to our hard-working and beloved editor, B.K.

And no, in this reference, BK does not stand for Burger King.

Best Ninety Degree Angled Postal Parking: Tie between Langley and Clinton post offices, where parking is polite, pointed and often perpendicular.

Greenbank and Freeland post offices were disqualified from this competition because of their approaches to parking, not unlike the intersection of an isosceles triangle and a parallelogram.

Best “This is One of the Worst” Award: The attraction of Texaco/1504 Coffee/Island Insurance/PSBS/DOL/Harold’s Gay 90s’ helps attract an eclectic array of drivers and vehicles, some of which are currently licensed.

Try getting in or out when the fuel trucks are dumping their joy juice.

Thanks for this award nomination to fellow Marine Bill whose Verizon cellphone now plays the Marine Corps Hymn.

Now there is a ring that I will answer! OooRah!

Other award nominees honored at the First and Last Annual Parking Lot Awards included Freeland’s Community Thrift for Best Entrance/Exit for Senior Skateboarders, Gerry’s/Radio Shack for Best Parking Lot To Avoid Hitting A Senior, and Coastal Community Bank for Best Most Available Parking.

Look for more unneeded awards in this space, unless this space becomes available because we have run out of space.

Upcoming awards will possibly include: The Ossman Off Man Award for Best Worst Left/Right Turns onto and off 525 and The Eskenazi Award honoring the “too many people go to church around here” category.

Until then, we sure hope to see you Tuesday, Oct. 24 for a fun-filled fundraiser luncheon from 11 a.m. until 1 p.m. at the Holmes Harbor Rod & Gun Club. Plenty of free and easy parking!

See how this parking discussion all ties in?

This coming Tuesday, join me, Frannie Johnson and a great group of givers — The South Whidbey Mardi Unit of Ryther Guild Child League who is hosting their annual luncheon to benefit the abused and neglected children who are being served by Ryther’s central campus in North Seattle.

The 10-buck luncheon features a bake sale, an auction and raffle and a “pig calling” contest. Farm attire is encouraged. Call Nancy at 221-8180 or Susanne at 221-8173 to share in the fun.

We’ll see and hear who can do the best and worst Sooooowwweeeeeeeeeee!