There is no escape. No way out.
No matter how hard I try, I can’t tune out the unfolding scandal involving Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich and his attempt to sell the soon-to-be-empty Senate seat of Barack Obama.
This has got to be, without a doubt, the most frustrating scandal I’ve ever faced.
I don’t like scandals where I have trouble pronouncing the name of the scandal-maker. Every time I have said “Blagojevich” in the past week, someone has said “gesundheit” and offered me a tissue.
Now I’m not saying this isn’t a huge news story; it is. It’s the biggest thing to come out of Illinois since Oprah’s weight went up to 200 pounds.
Speaking of Oprah, have you ever noticed how once every
10 or so years, there is a bunch of news stories about Oprah gaining weight? I think it happens every time the country goes into a recession. Honestly, you’d think economists would figure that out and add an “Oprah weight gain index” to the nation’s economic indicators database.
Back to Blagojevich. (Gesundheit.)
The first time he came on the television news last week, when he appeared at a rally of union workers who were conducting a sit-in at the Republic Windows and Doors plant in Chicago, I had the sound on the TV turned down.
I couldn’t figure out who the man with the black fur hat was.
At first, I thought Sylvester Stallone’s brother, the guy who sang “Eye of the Tiger,” had shown up at the protest to sing a few words of encouragement to the factory workers. Then I thought it was somebody from an over-the-hill Beatle’s tribute band.
Really, I was that obsessed about the hair.
Later, when I found out Blagojevich was arrested, I automatically thought they had taken his barber into custody, as well.
This story about Blagojevich will continue to captivate America. Especially if he does what a lot of criminals do: Get a buzz cut before his first appearance before a judge so he doesn’t look like a hoodlum.
One thing is for sure, he can’t go to prison with that hair. He will be in a heap of trouble. I can almost hear the other inmates shouting through the bars at him.
“Hey, Rapunzel. Let down your hair!”
“Look, it’s Vinnie! Vinnie Barbarino! Up your nose with a rubber hose!”
“Look at the hair on Goldilocks there. I bet he’s got a comb.”
“I wish I had a comb.”
“Yeah, I wish I had a comb, too.”
His hair will surely cause a cell block riot unless authorities take the proper precautions. I can almost hear the guards cracking down on him.
“Hey, I warned you twice already, Blago. No trading cigarettes for volumizer.”
Eventually, interest in the scandal will fade. But only after a made-for-TV movie.
I bet someone is working on a script in Hollywood right now. Working title, “Being Rod Blagojevich.”
It will follow much the same plot as the original movie, “Being John Malkovich,” except the main characters will have to crawl through a sewer manhole to get into the head of the title character. And it will be rated R, for language.
Next time: Non-essential personnel.
