I came home the other night and turned on the TV just in time to hear that Rachel Ray had won an Emmy.

If you have never seen her show, it starts with her riding an elevator down to the stage to the delight of an enthusiastic crowd.

I have never stepped out of an elevator and been greeted by an enthusiastic crowd. And I never got a prize for riding an elevator. At least, not one my mom would let me keep.

The more I thought about Rachel Ray winning an Emmy, the more I thought that I needed to write a warning to the world.

When my manifesto is translated into foreign tongues, I hope the children will learn.

My warning to the world

Rachel Ray will eat your children.

Rachel Ray will eat any children, any children who happen to wander through the forest and find her enchanted gingerbread house in the woods. And then, when she’s done eating them, Rachel Ray will walk through the darkened forest and eat the trail of breadcrumbs they left behind.

Children, a warning. Rachel Ray knows all about that sneak-up-on-you-from-behind-and-push-you-in-the-oven trick. Don’t even try it. That recipe is in her first book, a question/answer bestseller with the inquisitive title, “Witch dish to cook in 30 minutes?”

Rachel Ray is a force to be reckoned with.

Rachel Ray has been written off by many more than once now, but Ray Rachel has just three aisles at the Safeway that don’t have products featuring her picture, and she isn’t about to stop now.

Rachel Ray is just toying with us. Just wait, and once we’re not looking, POW! Hologram postage stamp.

Rachel Ray is Robocop, without the cop.

Rachel Ray is the new boogeyman. Rachel Ray is the reason gas costs $4 a gallon.

Rachel Ray can be blamed for a whole lot of other things. Rachel Ray shot JR.

Rachel Ray introduced Yoko Ono to John Lennon, and broke up the Beatles.

Rachel Ray is involved in the coverup behind Area 51.

Rachel Ray stole a brownie recipe from Cindy McCain.

Rachel Ray is a Republican.

Rachel Ray has an army of thugs she can deploy to torment and harass you, and to leave notes under your windshield wiper if you park in “her” spot. If her army of thugs doesn’t get you, her army of paparazzo-bashing surf boys will.

Rachel Ray never once cleaned the microwave in her college dorm room. Not once. That was just, like, rude.

Rachel Ray fought Godzilla to a draw until they both fell over the side of a huge cliff and Godzilla swam away.

Rachel Ray has been giving Sen. Joe Lieberman advice on Iraq.

Rachel Ray actually tried to talk Eisenhower out of attacking on D-Day, too, but Eisenhower ignored her cable and went ahead with the invasion of Normandy anyway.

But really, Rachel Ray is a Democrat.

Rachel Ray is a first-time voter, and she’s registered in Florida.

Next time: No comparison.